Every year it’s the same. You make a New Year’s Resolution, but never actually follow through for the entirety of it. Every year, you try again with the same result.
 
As humans, we are geared towards doing the easy thing; the status quo. This is because whereas it may or may not be “good,” it is known. Fulfilling a dream or following through on a goal is difficult because both the track to get there and the final point are unknowns.
 
To the primitive limbic system in our brain, the part of the brain responsible for survival in dangerous situations, unknowns could mean death.
 
The fight/flight part of the brain cannot distinguish between real, perceived, physical and emotional threat. To the fight/flight part of the brain, all four: real, perceived, physical, emotional are the same: real.
 
The downsides to letting our limbic system take control of our New Year’s Resolutions every year is that we stay stuck in the same patterns year after year. We don’t grow the way we know we can.
 
Not only do we get stuck, but we also start to feel down on ourselves. We’re just not able to stick to a goal. It doesn’t work. Everything they say to do, it doesn’t work. And we give up…over and over. Then we start to feel like it’s not worth it to even try.
 
We may laugh it off, but it still doesn’t feel good that we can’t meet our goals. At some point, we may even stop making New Year’s Resolutions because we know they won’t come true anyway. What’s the point in continuously proving to ourselves that we can’t follow through on something?
 
Unfortunately, all this does is keep us stuck. It brings our motivation level down, brings our hope down, and we become robots of our lives instead of taking control of our lives.
 
You and more than half the world’s population are in the same boat. You are not alone. A lot of people struggle to make the next year a great year for them.
 
Are you ready to make 2019 a great year? A year of fulfilled goals and follow through on plans? It will take effort on your part. I can give you the blueprint, but I cannot do the work for you. Keep in mind that the brain wants the simple route because it sees that as safe and the hard route it sees as dangerous.
 
I hope that you had a good 2018, but wouldn’t it be amazing to make 2019 a great year? It’s true that you’ve tried many tricks of the trade to stick with your goals for the new year and have given up each time so far. However, if we can learn a few tips as well as the reasons why these tips work, we can make 2019 a great year.
 
When we understand a problem and the reason for the solution, it is easier to apply the solution. Take putting alcohol on a cut for example. Why in the world would you put something on a cut that makes it hurt more? Because we know that the temporary pain from the alcohol will clean out or kill any bacteria that may cause an infection. A temporary pain will prevent further damage.
 
Understanding how and why these tips work as well as how the brain works will make it easier for you to use the tips and see the results.
 
Keep reading for 7 tips so you can make 2019 a great year for you!
 
YOU’RE NOT GROWING THE WAY YOU WANT TO; NOT MAKING THE CAREER CHANGES, HEALTH CHANGES, LIFE CHANGES AND ARE THINKING THAT YOU WASTED ANOTHER YEAR
 
The biggest downside of not planning for 2019 to be a great year is staying stuck for yet another year. You’ve done this year after year; you’ve felt stuck every year when it doesn’t work out the way you plan. It’s frustrating!
 
You may have even given up on setting goals for the new year. Why bother? Nothing ever changes or works anyway. You don’t ever stick with it, so why set yourself up for another disappointing year?
 
Living this way is a slow descent into complacency. By not setting goals because we don’t achieve them anyway, we start becoming a robot in life. We go about life in a hum drum sort of way, never feeling passionate and excited about ourselves.
 
THIS ISN’T YOU. NO. IN FACT, YOU ARE A GO-GETTER. YOU STRIVE TO MEET EVERY GOAL YOU SET FOR YOURSELF. YOU PICK YOURSELF UP AND GO AT IT AGAIN
 
Although you struggle with hopelessness that you’ll reach your set goals, you have the potential to meet them and be the person you want to be.
 
When we choose to do this, we have the possibility to be passionate and excited about ourselves and our lives. We have the ability to make a few small changes and get big results.
 
7 TIPS TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS THIS YEAR AND FEEL CONFIDENT, EXCITED, AND READY TO TACKLE ANYTHING THAT COMES YOUR WAY
 
Whereas you are tired of doing the same thing and not reaching your goals, there is a way to hack this and make 2019 a great year.
 
The key to achieving success is to have a roadmap to get you there. We can’t just rely on our own internal patterns. Our brains are set to success, but they’re also set to doing the easy thing.
 
If we can use a roadmap to reach our goals, we will be making it easier, and therefore setting ourselves up for success.
Making these changes is not as difficult as you think because you will be using two very motivating factors: accountability and rewards. Both of these are key to molding behavior.
 
Take a look at these 7 tips to see how you can make 2019 your best year yet!
 
1. Reflect on 2018. What are you grateful for?
 
Gratefulness has been shown to change people’s brains. The chemicals released when we feel true gratefulness are similar to the chemicals that are part of our reward system. We are wired to want to be successful and happy, so adding gratefulness to your daily routine can literally help you feel calmer and happier.
 
There’s a poem I love called I am Thankful. When I look it up online, I have found several versions, but the gist is taking something “negative” and turning it into something “positive.” For example, “I am thankful for the high heating bill in the winter because it means I have a roof over my head.”
 
Take a look at 2018, what are you grateful for? Is there anything that you grumbled about that you can turn around and make into a more positive experience?
 
When you add gratefulness to your planning process, it will bring you into a sense of calm and success, setting you up for creating attainable goals for 2019.
 
2. Identify all of the important aspects of your life and rank them 0-10 on how well you did on them this year.
 
With my clients, I do this in the form of a wheel. It is called the balance wheel. Draw a circle and from the center going out, draw several lines, like spokes on a wheel. In each section, write an important part of your life. This could be health, financial, family, leisure time. Anything that is important to you.
 
Then with 0 at the center of the wheel being poor and 10 at the outside of the wheel being excellent, draw a line across the section to indicate how well you did on that aspect of your life.
 
Nobody’s wheel is round. I recommend that you don’t even try to make it round. However, when you notice something is falling, you may want to increase your attention on that aspect. Realizing that there is still only 24 hours to work with, so something else will take back burner when you increase time spent on the next important aspect.
 
3. Choose one aspect of your life that you want to improve on next year. Then ask yourself why? Why do you want to improve this?
 
Dig down with the why. Ask yourself why several times. A surface why will not be strong enough to stay with this goal. “I will do cardio exercise 3 times per week for 30 minutes per session for the month of January.” Why? “Because I want to get in shape.” Why? “Because I want to keep up with my kids when they run around.” Why? “Because I feel sad and a bit guilty that I can’t play with my kids.” Why is it important to feel happy playing with my kids? “Because interacting with my kids will provide me a sense of connection and give my kids a sense of safety and fun as they grow up.”
 
There’s a big difference between “I want to get in shape” and “Interacting with my kids will provide me a sense of connection and give my kids a sense of safety and fun as they grow up.” The likelihood that you will stick with your goal is much higher when you use the reason to exercise as the latter one.
 
4. Now that you know your why, set your goal
 
I’m sure you’ve heard of SMART goals. This form of setting goals is all over the internet. SMART is a mnemonic which stands for: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time Limited.
 
Let’s take a look at the goal I mentioned above: I will do cardio exercise 3 times per week for 30 minutes per session for the month of January. Is this specific? Measurable? Attainable? (Ok only I can answer if it is attainable). Relevant? Time limited? It seems to fit all of those criteria.
 
What if I set the goal: I will exercise three times per week. Is that specific? Measurable? Attainable? Relevant? Time limited? Can you see the difference between the two goals? Which one will give you a better shot at sticking to it?
 
5. Set your rewards and accountability
 
What will keep you motivated? When you set rewards, make sure your rewards don’t counter what you’re trying to accomplish. If you’re trying to lose weight and you reward yourself with a giant piece of chocolate cake every week, it’s not likely to help. (That’s not to say if your goal is to lose weight that you should deprive yourself of all sweets always. Just to say make sure you don’t undo everything you’re working towards).
 
Accountability is also very helpful. This is why people will have gym buddies (people who will meet them at the gym), and also why programs like weight watchers and AA are effective.
 
When you schedule a session with me, we will work together to help you identify what rewards and accountability factors will help you meet your goals.
 
6. Keep your goal sheet in view
 
One of the problems people have in sticking to their goal is “out of sight out of mind.” Write out your goal, your why, your rewards and accountability or use my template which can be downloaded here.
 
We are geared to doing the easy thing because it is known and often comfortable. Changing behaviors, even if it is to more healthy behaviors goes against what the brain believes is safe and smart. It is often an uphill battle to make these changes. If your goal is in your head only, or is in a drawer somewhere, the likelihood of meeting the goals drops significantly.
 
My clients and I develop a plan to look at their goal each morning and plan their day around their goal, ensuring that it stays in their mind every day.
 
7. Review your goal daily
 
This goes along with keeping your goal sheet in view and goes along with gratitude. Every evening, take 2 minutes to review your goal. What worked? What didn’t? What was your mindset when you were acting on your goal? How will you improve tomorrow?
 
The purpose of this is to train the brain that this new behavior is not a scary bad thing to be avoided, but something to be sought after. It helps the brain accept the new behavior, making it easier to do on a day to day basis.
 
Adding these seven tips to your life will make it possible for you to meet your goals and make 2019 a great year for you.
Achieving your goals is a wonderful feeling and can be very fulfilling. When you lose the weight you’ve been trying to, or stop a behavior you have not been able to in the past, it is a feeling of success and provides a feeling of hope and excitement to your life.
 
You absolutely can meet your goals and make 2019 a great year. Meg Young, LCSW, PLLC can help as I love getting people where they want to be and use these same techniques in my own life. I know how hard it is to meet your goals and want you to be successful.
 
Schedule an appointment with me today to get yourself ready for 2019!

You know how annoying it is to hear “just calm down” when you are upset or stressed out? Nobody likes to hear “you need to relax” or anything similar to those statements. Most of the people saying these statements are saying them because they are uncomfortable with your reaction, not because it will actually benefit YOU.
 
However, there is a good reason to stay calm as much as possible. We hear frequently how meditation can keep blood pressure down for example. The more we are able to get ourselves out of the stress response, the more our body will work efficiently with a healthier heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen flow throughout the body.
 
Unfortunately, when people tell us to calm down, we often end up feeling defensive and more irritable. This can lead to a very difficult exchange.
 
The downsides to not being able to stay calm (most of) the time include the physiological effects noted above, but also perpetuate the stress response cycle in the brain. We tend to hold onto negative events more than positive ones as negative events are stored in a way that will “keep us safe.” The more the stress response activates (the more we are unable to stay calm), the more negative events get stored in the brain. This spiderweb of negative events gets harder and harder to control.
 
For example, let’s say you had a very stressful day at work. You come home and vent to your spouse about it in an animated voice. Your spouse says “relax, you’re home now.”
 
At the time, it might have felt hurtful as you may have felt misunderstood. You know perfectly well you are home, but you are just spending some time venting. These hurt feelings get stored with the experience of venting a rough day. If you reacted to this statement in a defensive way, that too will be stored with this experience.
 
The next time you vent, your spouse says “don’t let it get to you so much.” Again, you feel misunderstood and hurt. You don’t feel supported by your spouse. All you want is to vent. You aren’t looking for a solution. A simple “Sounds like you had a stressful day” would be awesome.
 
This experience, feelings, thoughts, and your reaction gets added to the first. Eventually, the stress response worsens before you even get home because you know it will not be any easier to talk it out, but that’s what helps you.
 
A few minutes of venting at the end of a stressful day has now become a much bigger source of stress for you and you may feel more out of control than you did several months ago because going home “should” relax you, but it stresses you out instead.
 
The truth is it is completely normal for this escalation to happen. It is completely normal for you to feel more stressed out in a situation like this. The stress response is supposed to activate when it perceives danger and quite honestly, the limbic system of the brain, where the stress response activates, isn’t able to know the difference between real, perceived, emotional and physical dangers. So a simple issue of venting becomes a big deal.
 
I get it that you are feeling unsure that it is even possible to stay calm and in control in most situations. However, if we can learn just three tricks, we can learn to stay calm and in control of ourselves in most situations. It is entirely possible to not have the primitive, overprotective limbic system (stress response) maintain control of our actions and feelings.
 
Keep reading for 3 Tips for Staying Calm, Collected and in Control (Most of) the Time
 
LIFE IS SO FAST PACED AND OUR BODIES AND MINDS REACT ACCORDINGLY
 
The biggest downside to not being able to stay calm throughout the day is the toll it takes on us. We are exhausted at the end of the day, we are more cynical, we don’t eat well, and we don’t take good care of ourselves overall. We tend to eat more sugar and carbs when we’re tired to give us more energy. The number of adults with high blood pressure has increased (“Nearly 5 out of 10 adults in the U.S. have high blood pressure, according to guidelines released in November 2017. This proportion is up from 3 out of 10 adults based on categories defined in 2003.” – https://www.cardiosmart.org/Heart-Basics/CVD-Stats).
 
Additionally, you may find that you have a harder time falling or staying asleep. As our stress response is staying activated longer and more frequently, it is harder for us to settle into a restful sleep.
 
What time is there for self care? What time is there to go to the gym? What time is there to take a long, hot bath? What time is there to settle into a comfortable chair with a blanket and read? What time is there to let our brains and bodies relax?
 
Living in a world which is so faced paced can have serious negative effects on us individually, as friends and loved ones, as a culture, and as a species.
 
IMAGINE LIFE AS YOU WISH IT TO BE…CALM, CONTROLLED, RELAXED, FEELING HEALTHY, AND HAPPY
 
Although you struggle with staying calm in a fast paced world, you have the potential to live the life you want. You have the ability to “keep calm and …” whatever catch phrase you want to use. Just because the world is moving at 100 mph doesn’t mean you have to.
 
When we choose to take intentional action to stay calm, collected and in control as much as possible, there is a possibility for actually finding more time in the day, becoming healthier, raising calmer, healthier children, and living life on your terms.
 
You have the opportunity to take intentional action and take control of your world in a seemingly out of control world. When everyone else is running around like a chicken with their heads cut off, you have the opportunity to show them just how much more can get done in an effective way when you stay calm.
 
3 TIPS TO STAY CALM, COLLECTED AND IN CONTROL SO YOU CAN LIVE LIFE ON YOUR TERMS
 
Right now you might be wondering if this is even possible. Nothing happens overnight. This is a very important point to make. The key to achieving a life in which you feel calm, collected, and in control most of the time is to retrain your brain. Retraining your brain will not happen overnight.
 
Nothing we do will show the change overnight. Look at the world…we cut down trees in the rain forest and nothing happened immediately, but over years, this had an impact on the rain forest. We built cars which spew emissions into the air, but that wasn’t noticed for years later. Bringing it down, we go to the gym once we aren’t going to lose weight or be able to lift extra weight immediately.
 
Making these changes is not that difficult, but it does take a mindset to do so. When you set yourself a goal, you want to focus on the why of that goal…but not just a surface why, the deep why. Why do you want to lose weight? So I am not out of breath so quickly. That may not be a deep enough why. Because I want to run around and play with my grandchildren outside. That may be a better why. You’re more likely to stick with losing weight when you picture yourself playing with your grandchildren vs generally not being out of breath quickly.
 
Keeping mindset in mind, take a look at these 3 tips to see how you can feel more calm in your daily life today.
 
One of the reasons it is so difficult to stay calm in many situations is the limbic system in the brain (the parts of the brain working together responsible for fight/flight and attempting to keep you alive) perceives danger. This doesn’t mean there actually is danger, just that the limbic system perceives danger.
 
When the limbic system perceives danger, you end up in the fight/flight. Very quickly, the limbic system realizes there is no danger, but the stress response already activated. Because there is no danger, often what comes out is in the form of “fight” – yelling, arguing, etc.
 
Furthermore, sometimes you may be “out of control” because logic is the first thing that gets hijacked when the limbic system activates.
 
This series of tips will take less than three minutes total, and can really take only one minute. The first thing you want to do is as soon as you recognize what is happening, do a self check.
 
Self check:
– Length of time: 1-5 seconds.
– Process: Body scan – what is tight, hot, etc? How are your thoughts – angry, disappointed, etc.
– Purpose: Recognition – you can’t be intentional with your actions if you don’t recognize what is going on within you
 
When you do this, you are starting to turn off the stress response. You are recognizing that you are activated, and that is it. It helps you to notice patterns: patterns of when you get activated, what happens to you when you get activated, etc.
 
This is an important step and one I always take with my clients in session. It is amazing how often we don’t realize that we are activated because we are so used to being in an activated state. Our world is so fast paced. Due to this, we are in a frequent state of stress and don’t realize that our shoulders are up at our ear level, or our teeth are clenched, or we’re holding our breathe.
 
Breathe:
– Length of time: 18-20 seconds.
– Process: Breathe in to the count of 4. Hold for the count of 7. Breathe out for the count of 8.
– Purpose: Turn logical thought back on
 
Adding breathing to your life will actually change your brain. There are brain scans that show the physical changes that happen in the brain when we slow down and take deep breaths. It turns on and activates parts of the brain that are not used when we are trying to survive a dangerous situation and allows us to access parts of the brain that we don’t always use.
 
The effects of breathing are not quickly identified because it takes time to see the small changes. However, as soon as we start breathing slowly and intentionally, we are able to turn logic back on, thus helping us to get out of the stress response.
 
It is important to remember that the brain will not give up easily. Even though the brain recognized that you are not in danger, the adrenalin has been released and the only thing that makes the adrenalin reabsorb into the body is time.
 
I frequently use the metaphor that the adrenalin is similar to a blood alcohol level. The only thing that brings the blood alcohol level down is time. The only thing that makes adrenalin reabsorb is time. If you take another drink, the BAL increases again, increasing the amount of time before it is back at 0. If adrenalin is pumped into your body again, it increases the level in your system, thus increasing the amount of time before it is fully absorbed.
 
Breathing turns on logic so you can think and act with intentionality.
 
Be present:
– Length of time: 30 seconds – 2 minutes.
– Process: Identify what do you want to do right now. Think – Will it calm or intensify a problem? What option will calm the problem? Act – do what will calm the problem.
– Purpose: Acting with intentionality and doing what YOU want to do and not what survival tells you to do.
 
Sometimes calming the PROBLEM isn’t possible, so you will need to do what will calm YOU. The only thing you have control over is YOU, so sometimes calming the problem means calming yourself.
 
These three tips: self check, breathe, be present, will help you to stay calm in most situations because they allow you to react with intentionality, recognizing that when someone says “calm down” maybe you are more activated than you need to be in a certain situation.
 
Achieving a sense of calm and control in most situations can be a relieving experience. These tips, when done regularly, will make a difference in your every day experiences.
 
You absolutely can make these changes and reap the benefits. Doing them even once in a while as you build up to each and every time will have a positive effect on your overall feeling of stress.
 
Meg Young, LCSW, PLLC can help as I recognize how difficult this can be and help you work through the hold your brain has on you as it perceives danger when there is none.
 
Now is a great time to start practicing these techniques as we go into the Holiday season and there is extra stress which the brain perceives as danger, thus throwing the limbic system into overdrive frequently.
 
Call me today to get the accountability partner you need to help you meet the goal of staying calm in most situations! 941-462-4807.

I find it interesting when I talk with people about their expectations coming to therapy. I am amazed at how many myths and misconceptions about counseling are still prevalent, which is preventing people from deciding that therapy would be helpful to them.
 
When we decide not to come to therapy due to these outdated or inaccurate beliefs about therapy, we lose out on living our lives to the fullest.
 
Not only do we lose out on living our lives to the fullest, but others lose out on us being our best. Life is so crazy now with always needing to be connected with the phones, internet, and social media, not to mention the expectations that we should be doing more with less every day.
 
When we decide that we don’t want to go to therapy because of these myths, it affects us as well as those around us. However, when we live our lives to the fullest, it shows through and others notice our positivity as well.
 
Perhaps you learned what you believe about therapy through your family and friends or perhaps through movies which often portrays therapy inaccurately. Either way, there are still have many myths and misconceptions about therapy which lead people to not want to come.
 
Unfortunately, living with these misconceptions and thus deciding therapy isn’t going to be helpful for us, perpetuates the cycle of misconceptions. It is hard to break a cycle if we don’t see the other side of the coin.
 
You are not alone when you believe several misconceptions about therapy, but there is also no reason to stay ignorant to the truth when there is so much information out there. It is normal to be skeptical if therapy can help, but the reality is, unless you are willing to try something, you will never know what you personally believe about it.
 
It’s true that you may be skeptical about whether therapy can help you, but the fact that you are reading this blog tells me that you are willing to challenge the misconceptions you may have about therapy. By challenging several of the most common myths and misconceptions about therapy, we can look at the other side and make our own decisions.
 
Keep reading for the top 10 myths and realities about counseling so you can challenge your own thoughts and do what is right for you to feel better as quickly as possible.
 
THERAPY ISN’T FOR YOU; IT CAN’T HELP YOU…OR CAN IT?
 
The biggest downfall to continuing to believe these outdated beliefs about therapy is continuing the cycle of incorrect beliefs. The thought that therapy is only for sick or weak individuals is just not true and as our culture is becoming faster and requiring more of us with less resources, the need for therapy becomes greater.
 
At the very least, continuing the believe those outdated myths will prevent you from your own growth and development. There are so many benefits to therapy for each individual that when we move past the old beliefs and try something we previously discounted, we are able to see the real power of counseling.
 
Living with these outdated beliefs is discouraging because it perpetuates stigma and prevents growth. It will take time for the entirety of the stigma to dissipate. If I can help just one person change some of their outdated beliefs about therapy, this blog will be worth it.
 
LIVING THE LIFE YOU REALLY WANT, ENJOYING YOURSELF, YOUR JOB, AND YOUR LIFE AS A WHOLE
 
Isn’t this what we all want? Although you struggle with the belief of whether therapy can actually help you, you have the potential to challenge those thoughts and learn the reality of what therapy can do for you.
 
When we challenge these outdated beliefs, we have the opportunity to learn something new and understand it better. When we understand something, we are more likely to feel comfortable with it.
 
When we choose to open our minds to hearing what the reality is about a situation, we have the possibility to change so much about our world. Outdated beliefs and stigmas are often at the root of so many of our world’s dilemmas and pitfalls.
 
TOP 10 MYTHS AND REALITIES ABOUT THERAPY TO HELP YOU MAKE A MORE EDUCATED DECISION ON WHETHER THERAPY CAN HELP YOU
 
Yes it’s true you may still be skeptical about therapy, but just an understanding of what the myths and realities are can make a big difference in your opinions.
 
The key to making educated and informed decisions is to hear all sides of the situation. If you only listen to one side, you do not get the full picture. As for therapy, our world changes as we change. Maybe some of the myths you believe were once true. Additionally, where you get your information makes a great difference on whether it is accurate or not. Many movies do not portray therapy as it truly is.
 
Take a look at these top 10 myths and realities and see how many of the myths you believe. I would love to hear from you after reading them. How many did you believe? What did reading the realities make you think and feel? Are you still skeptical? Do you believe the realities or are the myths so ingrained that it is hard to believe the facts?
 
Take a look at these top 10 myths and realities of counseling you so can make an educated and informed decision about what counseling is really like and whether it will help you
 
Myth 1: Therapy is only for people who are “weak” or “crazy”
I completely understand this one. Many people believe this. Sometimes it’s because we are told by family and friends, other times it’s what is portrayed in social media or movies. Still other times people are told “I did it without therapy” which makes us think we “should” be able to as well.
 
Reality 1: Therapy can help literally everyone with something at some point in their lives
We are all going through something. To make matters worse, our culture is not supportive of a calm lifestyle which our brains need. We are designed to shut down and rest. We are not designed to go, go, go. With the advent of social media and the advent of cell phones with internet, we have a hard time shutting down. Additionally, we are asked to do more with less every day at work. We all bring baggage from out past into our present. It is just a matter of how that baggage is stored. If things went ideally for you throughout your entire life, your baggage will never bother you. However, nobody has everything going ideally for them throughout their entire lives. There is no blame here at all. The reality is nobody and no life is absolutely perfect.
 
When things don’t go ideally, it does not mean you are weak or crazy. When you need and ask for support, ideas or advice, you are strong. Think about what your supervisor does for you at work. Or when you hire someone to cut your trees. When you ask questions and get advice and help from these people, you don’t think twice about it. But their support, guidance, and ability to help you is vital to your goals. Therapy is exactly the same.
 
Myth 2: Therapy is endless
If you know anything about Sigmund Freud, you will know that he did long term therapy with his clients. Because of that, and how much people rely on old knowledge, it make sense that you would think you’d be in therapy forever.
 
Reality 2: Counseling can be very short term or very long term
First of all, if you are paying with insurance, many insurance companies don’t want to pay forever. They only allow a certain number of visits to a therapist per year. That aside, there are several “forms” of therapy including one called Solution Focused Brief Therapy. The point of therapy is to get out of it what you want. If you want a short term approach, that is a possibility. Everyone who comes to therapy comes with different needs, desires, goals, and motivations. Sometimes counseling can be as short as 3-5 sessions. Other times it can be years.
 
Myth 3: I have to lie down on a couch
This one probably came from reality. Sigmund Freud did a lot of psychoanalysis in which he had his clients on a couch. However, it was likely solidified in our beliefs through movies.
 
Reality 3: Depending on the type of therapy you do, most therapist want you sitting up
We want to have a conversation with you. We want to see you and your body language. This is all hard to do when you are lying down. Additionally, we want this to be a safe environment. Lying down can make people feel more vulnerable.
 
Myth 4: I will be blamed/shamed, or my parents will
Movies will sometimes portray that “it’s your parent’s fault” or society will believe that “you should have known better” so it makes sense that you worry about this. Nobody wants to be told that they are their family is “bad” or did something wrong.
 
Reality 4: We are not here to blame or shame anyone
It hurt when you were blamed as a child, especially when you didn’t have control over a situation. Therapists don’t want to recreate that. Therapy isn’t about blame. We don’t “care” about fault. We care about helping you find the solutions you are looking for to meet your goals. If you want to understand where some negative self belief (I’m an idiot for example) came from, we can help you identify whether these were real or perceived statements to you growing up that you took on for example, but again, we will not blame anybody.
 
Myth 5: Therapists can’t help because they haven’t been through it.
This is a very common myth. There are several places that this came from, and honestly, there might be some truth to somebody not being able to comprehend the magnitude of what you are dealing with. We all have different experiences and experience things in different ways, so it makes sense that you feel alone and possibly even misunderstood.
 
Reality 5: Even if we went through what you did, it does not mean we understand what you are going through.
We do not have to go through what you did to understand that you are hurting, confused, angry, hopeless, helpless, or need help at this moment.
 
Everybody comes to the table with a different set of experiences in life. The same event happening to two people can cause completely different reactions in them. For example, my family went through Hurricane Andrew in Miami when I was a kid. My brother is a year younger than me. I was completely traumatized by the hurricane for years, but my brother never stressed over it afterward. He slept fine the next night (not me!), he didn’t become obsessed with weather (I did!), he doesn’t stress out when severe weather happens in other parts of the US (yup, I still do). We grew up together, but for some reason, this hurricane was much more impactful to me than to my brother. Two people going through the same experience with very different after effects.
 
A therapist’s job is to help you through your pain. We can empathize with your pain without having to feel it ourselves and still be very effective therapists.
 
Myth 6: Good therapy happens only in a medical environment
Ok, I don’t know where this came from. Likely a Western Medical Model. There are a lot of clinics which include a psychiatrist, and many therapists work within a primary care facility as well. However, there are many who are in private practice and their offices are not stark and medical-like.
 
Reality 6: Therapy can happen in many environments
Aside from what I said above about non-medical looking offices, I know therapists who work with adolescents. They will often take the adolescent outside to play basketball or go for a walk. Adolescents don’t necessarily sit still in a therapist’s office well.
 
The reality is the number one factor in how successful therapy is is the therapeutic relationship. If the client trusts the therapist, the therapy is more likely to be successful. If a therapist stays rigid and unbending to people’s differences, we may miss that therapeutic alliance.
 
Myth 7: I will go into therapy blind; I won’t know what to expect
When you walk into a therapist’s office for the first time (even if you’ve been to therapy before), you may worry that you won’t know what to expect. Every therapist is different and every experience is different. So it makes sense that you worry about this. Unknowns are pretty scary sometimes.
 
Reality 7: What is the number one predictor in how successful therapy will be? The relationship.
Because of that, we want you to know what to expect in every step of the process. Every therapist is different, but we all want the same feeling of safety for you. If you don’t know what to expect, please ask the therapist.
 
Myth 8: Therapy is not a collaborative process; the therapist guides it all
Many people come to therapy because they don’t know what to do to get where they want to be. Because of this, they expect the therapist to do what they think it right and guide the treatment. Whereas therapists will guide the treatment to some degree, you are in the driver’s seat.
 
Reality 8: Therapy works best when it is a collaborative process.
The therapist cannot know what is going on in your mind or what you need without your input. Furthermore, the therapist cannot know whether therapy is on the right track without your input. You are paying the therapist for a service. Why would you not be involved in the process?
 
Myth 9: I cannot ask therapists questions, especially about them
You may have gone to therapy in the past and asked a therapist a question about themselves in which they turned that question back on you. A common question is “do you have kids?” When a therapist is asked this, the therapist may turn it back on the client to know what is underlying that question. Is it a concern that the therapist won’t be able to understand you because they don’t have kids themselves?
 
Because many times questions to therapists have been turned back on the client, it makes sense that you may believe this.
 
Reality 9: Some level of self disclosure may be appropriate, but therapy is not an even playing field relationship
Therapists are taught in school to not self-disclose. We are taught that there is always an underlying concern that we should address when a client asks us a question. However, a certain level of self-disclosure may be helpful to the therapeutic relationship at times.
 
Furthermore, therapists are a bit more transparent than several years ago. We try to be seen as human and not some stoic thing. This being said, you are paying us for a service. We do not want to blur those boundaries or make you feel uncomfortable.
 
If you ask a personal question of the therapist and the therapist doesn’t respond, that does not mean they won’t to other questions. It depends on whether the question is appropriate to be answered.
 
Myth 10: Confidentiality isn’t a reality
You may wonder how we go home and when our significant others ask how our day was, we don’t share. Some people have very intense or interesting stories that it may seem odd that we wouldn’t want to share. Maybe we would like to share or even vent to a significant other. However, the majority of therapists out there understand the importance of confidentiality. Even sharing something as simple as a story may be enough to break confidentiality.
 
Reality 10: Breaking confidentiality does happen, but it is not the norm by any means
Things happen whether on purpose or by accident. Most therapists are very ethical and try very hard to not break confidentiality. If you attend a group, that puts another spin on things – we cannot guarantee that the other group members will maintain confidentiality, although it is something stated in every group meeting.
 
Many therapists attend supervision or consultation and will have you sign a confidentiality statement so you know when and how your confidentiality may be broken. Many therapists will add into this confidentiality statement that we attend consultation and do our best to protect your confidentiality, however we may discuss your case in order to better help you through additional ideas from the consultation meetings.
 
These 10 myths are very common, but there might be other myths I did not address here. It is important for you to be educated about how therapy can help you and by busting myths, you may feel more confident and comfortable giving therapy a try.
 
It is important to do some research on the therapist you may choose. There are so many therapists and there is so much information on the internet that there is no reason you should just choose a therapist out of a hat and hope for the best.
 
You absolutely can reach your full potential and obtain the life you want. You can reach your goals, feel better, more confident, more in control of yourself and your life. Attending therapy today is very different than attending therapy a decade ago, but it is also very similar.
 
I want to help you make an educated decision on whether therapy is right for you and choosing a good therapist. Even if I am not the right therapist for you, I look forward to hearing your responses and any myths I didn’t address to help you better understand what therapy is all about and whether it is the right choice for you.
 
Subscribe to my youtube channel as well as I have several videos there about therapy!

As the strong protector you are, I’m sure you’ve thought several times to yourself that you don’t need other people. You don’t need help from others. You can do it yourself. If you can’t do it, what does that say about you?
 
If this sounds like you, you are not alone. However, when we live our lives believing we do not need help or support from others, it affects us in so many ways. We are social beings and need others in one way or another throughout our lives.
 
If it’s ok to ask for help making dinner, why is it not ok to ask for emotional help? The downsides to not asking for help include spiraling further down and can ultimately lead to suicidal thoughts or actions in many people. In reality, nobody is immune to suicidal thoughts. We all have a breaking point somewhere. Without support from others, these thoughts can turn deadly.
 
Not only does not asking for help impact our own safety and wellbeing, but it affects those around us. As we are spiraling down, sometimes without even realizing that we are headed that way, others notice the changes in us. Others notice the withdrawing behaviors, the irritability, the sarcasm, the increased drinking, the increased gambling, the increased time at the gym.
 
Thankfully, but unfortunately at the same time, first responder suicides is gaining more attention. This brings to light the fact that your job is incredibly stressful and if you start feeling this way, you are not alone. You may have heard stories of other first responders who succumbed to thoughts of suicide or ended up in rehab for alcoholism, or their relationship ended in divorce.
 
At the time, you may have thought nothing of it, or you may have believed it would never happen to you. These sorts of things can’t be common. They must only happen to people who are not strong enough; people that shouldn’t have gone into the field anyway.
 
Unfortunately, all this does is distance yourself from reality even more. When we live our lives believing it could never happen to me, we tend to miss the signs and we tend to disregard what others say to us, putting ourselves in greater risk.
 
Eventually you find yourself where you never thought you’d be. You wind up in a place of confusion, caught off guard. You might even beat yourself up over it, not sure how you missed all the signs. Beating yourself up just brings you further down.
 
The truth is it is completely normal to want to be able to do it alone. It is completely normal to want to feel strong. It is completely normal to believe it cannot or will not happen to you. It is also completely normal for you to feel out of control of your mind and life.
 
It’s true that you feel cut off and ostracized, with several areas of your life impacted at this point. However, if we can grow and gather our support herd, we can both come back from this feeling of isolation and prevent a further decline in our lives. Once you have identified your support herd, it is entirely possible to pull on their strength until we can do it independently again. Support is not a one way road, your support herd will need their own support as well. As you regain your strength, you will be able to support them as well.
 
Keep reading to learn how to increase feelings of connection with yourself, your friends and family, and your life today.
 
FEELING ALONE, ISOLATED, MAYBE STARTING TO NOT TRUST PEOPLE
 
The biggest downfall to not finding a quality herd to help and support you through the worst times is that you continue to fall further down. We are social beings and need each other for support, encouragement, and help at times during our lives.
 
At the very least, you find yourself alone and sad. That sadness may show as anger, resentment, apathy, or a whole variety of other feelings. It all boils down to we need people in our lives.
 
Living without others’ help and support is isolating and damaging. It damages our self worth, relationships, and ultimately our quality of life.
 
ENGAGING IN LIFE, FAMILY, WORK, AND THE WORLD
 
Although you struggle with feelings of disconnection, you have the potential to reconnect with your family, friends, life, and the world. You have the potential to feel part of the world again and not so detached from everything.
 
When we choose to develop a quality herd, one that is quality over quantity for sure, there is a possibility for improvement in all aspects of your life.
 
You have the opportunity to become involved in life again. You will be able to see that you are a part of life, breathe the air and feel human again.
 
AS SOCIAL BEINGS, IT IS VITAL THAT WE HAVE A QUALITY HERD TO HELP US THROUGH THE DARK TIMES AS WELL AS THE NOT SO DARK TIMES. OUR HERD IS OUR SURVIVAL.
 
Yes it is true you may be feeling distant from life at this point, but it does not have to be this way forever. The key to achieving attachment to life is to find the right herd; not just anybody, but the right people.
 
Finding these people and adding them to your herd is not as difficult as you think because they are already in your life. When you follow a quick exercise, you will be able to identify those who are most suited to join your herd and support you along the darkest moments of your life.
 
Take a look at these next steps to see how you can achieve connection to yourself and the world around you with the support of your herd
 
One of the reasons you struggle with feeling so alone is because of the culture you are in. First responders are supposed to be strong and independent. You are not supposed to need help.
 
But I know you don’t do everything alone. You have partners, you have others who help you do your job and you couldn’t do it without them.
 
So why is it different with your emotional well-being? Why is it so taboo to talk about the need to take care of your own mental wellbeing?
 
It doesn’t have to stay this way when you start finding your herd; when you start using the people around you in a supportive way and allow them to call on you when they need it as well.
 
Anybody who is in the trenches with other people’s suffering is going to be impacted by that in some way. Some people will understand because they’ve been there or are there currently. Others will understand because they can only imagine what you go through.
 
You do not have to share details of anything you see and “traumatize” your friends and family in order to use them as support and strength.
 
The important thing with identifying your herd is you want quality over quantity. It doesn’t matter how many people you have as long as this crew are people you know you can trust and rely on.
 
Different people have different strengths. As you do the below exercise to identify your herd, keep this in mind. Some people may be assets to you in ways you don’t think of immediately.
 
Give yourself some quiet time to think. Grab a piece of paper and a pen because you’ll want that handy at the end of this exercise. This is an exercise I do with my clients and in session it is quite powerful. My clients identify people who are helpful to them who they hadn’t thought about in a long time.
 
When you do this exercise, you will notice that you are not alone. You will notice that there are people you can reciprocate the support to. You will notice a feeling of connection and hope.
 
Step 1: Think about everyone throughout your life who has added to your self esteem, who encouraged you, and who you felt safe and supported by.
 
This can be family, teachers, friend’s parents, coaches, etc. These people may be present currently in your life or helpful in the past but are no longer helpful to you.
 
They might be imagined people, celebrities, and those no longer alive. These are people who would not judge you and who you felt supported by.
 
Step 2: Call them in being aware of who they are, what they look like, and their names. Make this as concrete as possible, reminding yourself these are the figures you could call on when needing support in your daily life, whether for wisdom, emotional support, play, etc.
 
Step 3: Review the members of your team and ask any members who you no longer feel completely supported by or safe with to leave. Watch them leave and invite new members to take the places of those you have asked to leave.
 
Step 4: Imagine them coming forward and providing you with some words of wisdom and support. Now come back into the room and write down your herd.
 
How many people did you come up with? Remember this exercise is about quality over quantity so even if you came up with less than a handful that is ok.
 
You can repeat this exercise if you want to have different grades or types of support as well.
 
When you schedule a session with me, this is only the beginning of your reconnection with yourself, your life, and your family. This exercise, when done with my clients provides them with the knowledge and support they need to continue through the difficult parts of their journey towards healing.
 
Achieving a feeling of connection will take time. Finding your support herd can also take time. This step is so important and so powerful that many of my clients feel relief just from this exercise. When you feel reconnected it is such a powerful feeling of freedom and relief.
 
You absolutely can feel in control and stable within your life and world. This culture of strength and independence will grow to include yourself and other first responders. When this happens, I expect to see the number of first responder suicides decline.
 
You are strong. You are independent. You have what it takes. But sometimes having a bit of support will help you maintain your connection with yourself and the world. We are social beings and need to rely on others for support every now and then.
 
I specialize in first responders, medical professionals and court professionals. I specialize in helping people who see, hear, and deal with other people’s pain and suffering on a daily basis not lose connection with themselves and their lives, and if they have, to help them pull that feeling of confidence and strength back.
 
I look forward to helping you along that journey, at whatever place you are in on that journey. If you are not yet sure if therapy is for you, may I suggest that you take a look at some of my other blogs, especially 6 tips to Identifying when to seek therapy.
 
Wherever you are on your journey, I wish you the best. When you are ready to take the next step and complete your reconnection with life, call or email me. 941-462-4807 or meg@megyounglcsw.com.